


Five Women Jayne Cobb Loves

by Vera (Vera_DragonMuse)



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-31
Updated: 2009-09-30
Packaged: 2017-10-07 02:21:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vera_DragonMuse/pseuds/Vera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The women who made the man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ma

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lauren how_obscure](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Lauren+how_obscure).



> ,

1\. Ma

There were worse places to grow up than a bordello. Si's place was even nice enough for a barely terraformed dirtball of a moon like Thanatos. The girls didn't have to sleep where they work and only did rough stuff if they wanted to. Si even let Toddy's boy have the run of the place as long as he worked behind the bar during prime hours sweeping and cleaning glasses.

"You got a good eye and a steady hand." Si told him once, bending down until he could smell the baking powder she used on her teeth, her pendulous breasts hypnotizing him.  
"Man with skills like that can get far."

The girls treated him like a mascot. Before the johns came in the evening, they'd all kiss him good night for luck. In the early afternoon, they taught him what little math and reading they'd picked up before turning to the verse's oldest profession. Jayne's earliest memories were of sitting next to perfumed ladies in bathrobes and curlers as they ran their fingers over columns of numbers. They'd teach him how to add their night's take or tell him stories from their own childhoods. Alvin, the night bartender had different lessons like how to throw a punch when someone got rowdy and telling the difference between angry and dangerous.

Every afternoon when his Ma woke up, he would brush out her glossy black hair. She was a quiet woman, barely out of girlhood herself. Jayne thought she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Her hugs smelled like lavender and talcum powder, her touch on his skin was always cool and reassuring.

When Jayne was ten and already big enough to act as a bouncer on busy nights, his Ma up and got married. Its not that he didn't like his stepfather. He did actually. Dom was a good man, who didn't mind that his ex-whore wife had a kid. Even made Jayne a Cobb all official like. But Jayne wasn't cut out to live in a farmhouse miles away from the nearest town. Dom tried to compensate by teaching him how to hunt, tracking pray and keeping his rifle clean. It was Dom that taught him never to trust his eyes. In the early spring, Dom would spend hours running his fingers through the soil, rubbing it between his fingers, smelling the rich earth and sometimes touching his tongue to it. Jayne watched and learned.

Eventually, Jayne knew enough to range out into the woods by himself. He'd eat what he could hunt down, got used to the rain pouring down around his shoulders and wile away hours shooting at trees. Eventually, he got it so he could pound five or six hits in a row dead even on the same spot. Then he'd go hunting, bring down a deer, clean and butcher it right on the spot before bringing it home for his Ma to cook up.

"Look atcha." His Ma would say when he came back from these trips, blood spattered and eyes sparkling. "You gotta love for death, child."

"Boy just needs some churchin'." Dom would put in. But that was Dom's answer to everything. His Ma knew better.

"You're a good boy." She would whisper to him when she saw him to bed. "But even when you ain't, your Ma loves you."

Sometimes when he's trying to sleep in his big bed, he thought about the noises of the whorehouse that used to lull him to bed. They weren't the gentle croaking of frogs or the soft tread of Dom's boots as he headed upstairs. So he conjures up the raucous jokes of men half-drunk and the giggling of girls that turned to moans as they serviced their customers. He even remember the exact sound of his Ma coming in to check on him after a bad night. How her footsteps would be a little heavier, how her kiss on his forehead was a little more forceful like she was reminding herself of what was good in the world. Thinking on those things, only then could he fall asleep.


	2. Ellie

The summer of his fourteenth year, Jayne earned enough coin to buy a beaut of a gun, a fifth of whiskey and a whore of his own. Out of loyalty, he went to Si's house, but chose a new girl. Last thing he needed was one of the old gals remembering on his kiddie antics when he wanted sexin'.

He chose Eleanor because she'd only come to Si's a week ago and was only a little older than him. Her hair was the color of Dom's wheat and somewhere along the way she'd lost her left arm. But her remaining hand was warm on his and she smiled at him as he fumbled with her costume.

Lying next to her afterward, he felt awkward.

"You gotta brush?"

She frowned, but handed over a worn wooden handle.

"You're an odd one, Jayne Cobb." She teased as he ran it over her hair.

"Whatta ya mean?" He wasn't paying much mind to her. It was more of a fidget than anything else.

"You act like thug, but you got manners in bed. Muscled like a farmboy, but talk like a townie." She leaned back to smile up at him.

"Guess so." He set aside a brush and ran his hands over her shoulders, spilling over her small breasts. "Reckon a man can sometimes be two things."

"And you're a man already?" She teased. "One tumble don't make a man out a yah."

"What about two?" He offered.

After the second time, his eyes wandered a bit more.

"Why do you have a guitar?" He asked her. "You can't play it."

"Used to." She smiled, a bit wistfully. "I miss it some."

"Would've gotten rid of it, if it were me." He twirled a lock of her hair around his finger. "Like things to be useful."

"It is useful." She shrugged. "Reminds me of where I came from and of my brother what left it to me after his passing."

Jayne pressed his hand to her shoulder and left money on the table for her.

He was real faithful to Eleanor for a year. Whenever he had the coin, he'd go see her. Never thought much about it. All of his friends had a regular girl they liked more than others.

One night, lying together in a pool of sweat, Eleanor stroked his face.

"I don't want you payin' for it no more."

"Huh?" He turned to her, feelin' a bit of a pang in his heart. "Don't you like me, Ellie?"

"Like you a bit too much." She kissed him. "Don't feel like work with you and that's a mite dangerous for the likes of me."

"Then you can be my girl." He blurted, the words out of his mouth before he thought about them. "I like you just fine."

"You gonna make an honest woman out of me?" She laughed.

"Yeah." He grinned. "Why not? Just let me tell my Ma."

His Ma's reaction was not exactly what he hoped for.

"Oh, Jayne." She sighed, rubbing her swollen belly. His half-sister was growing in there, listening in.

"What Ma?" He was sitting next to her on the sofa, rubbing her feet.

"You're just so young, baby." She smiled fondly at him. "I don't want to see you grow up too quick with a girl whats already been used hard."

"Ellie ain't hard." Jayne frowned.

"You can't be otherwise in that line of work." She sighed again. "Maybe it's my fault, raising you where I did, but there weren't no choice at the time."

"No!" He protested. "You did good, Ma."

"You promise always to be this loyal to your old Ma?" She asked, eyes alight.

"Course!"

She closed her eyes for a long minute and he thought she might have fallen off to sleep until she opened them again and pinned him with her stare. Her eyes were the same clear blue as his own and sometimes he figured she could see right into his head.

"Let me talk to Dom, all right?"

"You mean, I can go with her?"

"I said I'd talk to him, don't go gettin' too excited now." But she looked like she was plotting and in his favor, so Jayne figured it work out. And sure enough in the morning, Dom told her to bring Ellie along for dinner that night.

"Do I look all right?" Ellie fussed over dress. She's picked her least whorish outfit, the one she wore on her days off.

"Look real pretty." Jayne assured her, his hands sweating as he rubbed them over his knees.

Dom and Ma were waiting for them on the porch. Ma looked over Ellie real close, lingering on her missing arm, then smiled real gentle like at her.

"It's nice to meet you." She held out a hand. "I'm Toddy Cobb. Jayne's told me so much about you."

"Really?" Ellie blurted, then blushed red. "Only he's not one for talking or telling tales, usually."

"That's our Jayne." Ma looked over to him, raising an eyebrow. "Why don't you come in and help me set the table. I'd not usually ask, but I'm havin' a mite of trouble these days."

"I'd be happy to Mrs. Cobb."

Jayne watched as the two women disappeared into the house, than turned slowly to face Dom.

"Boy, you sure like gettin' yourself in a whole mess o'trouble."

"Ain't trouble." He muttered.

"I can't speak against her profession, given me marrying your Ma and all." Dom rubbed his stubble. "I think you're young for it."

"I'm fifteen!" He protested, standing as tall as he could which was pretty tall these days. Nearly lookin' Dom in the eye tall. "Ma had me by then."

"And even she'd say it was early. She loves you hard, son, but she was a bitty thing when she had you. If it hadn't been for that gorram rutting pimp o'hers... Well. Good thing Si took her in is all." Dom rubbed the back of his neck. Jayne tried to remember when he'd heard Dom swear before and couldn't. More like Dom to be scoldin' him for his language. "In any case, you two are just babes. But your Ma has one o'her ideas."

"I like her ideas." Jayne perked up.

"You would." Dom rolled his eyes. "We're gonna take the girl in. We'll need an extra set of hands round her with your Ma being laid up again. You can court her proper, let the neighborhood get to know her a bit. Marry her if you've a mind when you're both of age."

"Really?" It was better than he hoped for.

"But Jayne boy, we gotta make her look respectable. If you so much as kiss her when your Ma and I ain't lookin' on to make sure it's shiny, I'll hide you. Dong ma?"

"Yessir." Jayne agreed.

He kept that promise for the entire day it took to move Ellie's few things from Si's to the room under the stairs. He crept down as soon as he could hear Dom's deep snores and kept her company until the morning birds started to sing. They were real careful about it. Jayne couldn't remember being happier in his life. During the day life was regular like, doing hard work in the fields or hunting. But at night, he ate dinner with his family, Ellie included. His Ma had taken a real shine to her and they chatted about all sorts of things. Slowly, Ellie taught him to play the guitar while he tried to pass on the little bit about math he recalled. She wanted to be useful.

They were all in the kitchen when it happened. Ellie was peeling potatoes, using the winch Jayne had rigged for her to hold it still when the knife fell from her hand.

"Ellie, what in the world?" Ma reached out to her, too late. The girl started to shake and fell to the floor. Ellie was thrashing on the floor, her eyes rolled back in her head. For a long moment, everyone just stared.

"Get her arm!" Ma snapped at him. "She'll hurt herself like this."

Trying to hold her down gained Jayne a shiner, but he didn't notice it. When Ellie came to, she drooled a bit, her words slurring.

"Honey, has this happened before?" His Ma was stroking sweaty hair off her forehead.

"No, m'am." Her voice so tiny and scared, Jayne started to get goosepimples. "I'd like to go to bed now."

"You go right ahead. Jayne, carry her. I don't think she should be walkin'."

When he picked her up, he could feel her trembling through her thin cotton dress. He set her down real gently on the bed.

"I love you, Jayne." She told him as he tucked the covers in around her.

"Love you too, Ellie girl." He kissed her, made sure she was sleeping before he went back to the kitchen. He could hear his Ma and Dom talking money and doctors and he swallowed hard.

"I got money." He said quietly. They both turned on him. "I was gonna save up to get her that pony she liked."

"Oh." His Ma sniffed, hugging him hard. "Jayne, it ain't the money."

"What she got....well." Dom coughed. "Maybe the Doc will tell us wrong."

The ride to town went on forever, Ellie had another fit and Jayne had to climb in the back of the mule to hold her flailing limbs close. Ma and Dom settled in to the waiting room, but Jayne paced unable to settle.

"Mr. Cobb?" The doctor darkened the door. Dom shuffled to his feet, but Jayne got to him first.

"That's me." He stood, stomach sinking.

"She's got a few weeks." The doctor smirked. "Victim of her profession."

Jayne didn't feel any better after he'd laid him out, but these things couldn't be permitted. He never did get a clear answer as to what got into Ellie's fragile system and twisted her up inside. Instead, he carried her home laid her in his own bed and used the money he'd saved up to make her comfortable.

"Son." Dom stood behind him two days into his vigil. Ellie's eyes were unfocused, but she was awake, slowly eating the fruit he put before her.

"Yeah?" Jayne looked over his shoulder.

"Here." Dom pressed a bottle into his hand. "Remember when I put my hand through that shredder and lost my thumb?"

"Course. Bloodiest thing I ever saw."

"Doc gave me them pills for the pain. Made me sleepy so I stopped taken 'em. Only took one to make a big man like me woozy. Figure a whole bottle and a bitty girl..."

They both looked over at Ellie who's eyes had slid close again, her hand curved around a half eaten apple.

"Don't know if I can." Jayne sputtered.

"If she were a deer or rabbit, you already would've. She's good people, she loved you hard, but nothin' is in front of her now but pain. So think on it. Your Ma thinks I done thrown 'em away."

In the end, there were no goodbyes. By the time Jayne readied himself to dose her, she'd been delirious for days. It was the first time he'd taken a human life, but he was too miserable to care. Her things sat untouched in her room, readied for burning in case the bug was infectious. Jayne slipped down the stairs like he had to to sex her up, but this time he stole in for only a moment, taking down her guitar and hiding it under his bed.

"You did your best." His Ma laid her hand on his arm during the funeral. "She had a good end because of you."

"I wanted to do right by her. Shouldn't have waited so long." He kicked at the dirt, sending a shower over the coffin. "Spent too much time worrying bout other people."

"You did your best." She said again. "C'mon home now."


	3. Shiloh

"I ain't doin' it." He crossed his arms over his chest. At seventeen, he was a foot and change taller than his Ma, but she didn't seem to notice.

"She's a good woman, Jayne and you been mournin' long enough." She crossed her arms right back. "I'm not askin' you to marry the girl, just take her to this one dance."

"But-"

"No buts. I told your father that you'd take her and that's what you're gonna do." She frowned. "And you're gonna do it clean. Go take a bath and change into those nice clothes I got yah."

An hour later he was washed and stuffed into black pants and a button down shirt. His Ma beamed at him, putting a flower into his hand and sending him down the street. He grumbled the whole way, the flower wilting until he tossed it.

Shiloh was waiting for him on her porch. He didn't know her very well, always thought of her as kinda plain and shy or maybe just afraid of him like most of the good farmers' girls. Figured she'd be as miserable as he was over this set up.

Could have knocked him over with a feather when she beamed at him coming up the way. Her dress was just neat calico, but showed more curves than Jayne remembered. Someone had done her hair up real nice, in fat curls and she was even wearing a little bit of makeup.

"Don't stare." She laughed, taking his arm before he could offer it. "I can clean up just as nice as you."

"Hi." He managed and wished he hadn't tossed the flower. Would have given him something to do with his hands, anyway. His Ma hadn't let him bring a gun.

"It's ok." She patted his hand. "I know your Ma made you take me out. Heard her and my Papa talkin' on it. But maybe we can have a good time anyway."

"I don't dance." He warned her. "I spit on the floor and I'm bound to wind up punchin' someone."

"I know." She laughed. "You're different than the other boys. I like it."

He thought maybe she was just bein' sweet considerin' their forced date, but turned out Shiloh really didn't care much for dancing either and she could spit farther then him. They sat at the makeshift bar, her matchin' him drink for drink. He talked though he couldn't remember what about and she listened with a soft smile.

Later when he walked her home, it occurred to him that he'd like to kiss her, but he wasn't sure how to go about it when there wasn't money involved first.

"I had a real good time." She touched his hand.

"Yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Me too."

"Reckon I should go inside. My Pa is waitin' up for me." She pointed to a flickering light in the window.

 

"I…do you wanna maybe go for a walk tomorrow?" He cleared his throat. "I mean, you don't gotta, not a lot here to look at…"

"Yes." She got up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "After sunset, I take care of my sisters until then."

He touched the spot on his face her lips had touched and watched her walk back into the house, the porch light making her hair glow. When he got back, his Ma was asleep in a chair by the door with Mattie dozing in her arms. It wasn't nothing to pluck up Mattie and settle him in his crib. When he came back down, he tucked in his Ma in a blanket. In the morning she was smiling slyly like she already knew her plan had worked.

The first time he kissed Shiloh proper, it was in gorram meadow with birds chirping. It was the kind of thing that didn't happen to folk like them. They were practical types, farm kids. They didn't get romance, but there they were getting the soft look for each other.

"I heard about Ellie." She mentioned casually when they were taking one of their twilight walks.

"What about her?" He stopped walking.

"That you loved her." Shiloh had a way of talking soft that warmed his belly like whiskey. "I think it's nice. That you didn't care who she'd been."

"I cared." He rubbed the back of his neck. "It's just like...didn't matter. I like whores."

"Mhmm." Shiloh bent down to tie her laces and Jayne realized he loved her. She didn't just hear what he said and get mad, she knew what he meant. "You don't mind that I wanna wait?"

"Nah. Figure, it'll be special that way, right?"

"Right." She laughed. "I don't know nothin' about it. My Papa won't even look me in the eye when he's seen me kissin' you. So you'll have to teach me."

"Sounds to be fun."

"Heathen."

"Teasin' wench."

"I'll race you to the lake!" She was off and running and he chased her, feeling full and happy for an afternoon.

"If'n we both work hard, maybe we could open up shop at the port." Shiloh often dreamed aloud, holding his hand. "You know more about guns than anyone else on Thanatos and everyone says I'd make a good saleswoman."

"Yeah, that'd be real fine." Jayne would agree because she was smiling at him. With Ellie, there'd been only the idea of being together without much plan. With Shiloh things looked solid and real. He could see their store, their home...their children. It'd be a good life. One his Ma could be proud he had.

Without even bein' nagged once about doin' right by her, Jayne picked out a nice ring and asked her to marry him six months after that first date. He may be a bit slow, but he wasn't a gorram moron. He was lucky to have a girl like Shiloh and he wasn't letting someone else come and snatch her. 'Specially after what happened to Ellie. He liked to think that Ellie would have approved. He sometimes imagined the two of them talking and in his head they got on like a house on fire.

They hadn't even got a chance to set a wedding date when the Reavers landed. There'd been rumors, of course, but no one believed them. Sounded like boogie men to threaten the Rim to fall into line. Only the Alliance can save you from these monsters, the Feds assured the populace. Didn't do them much good when the Reaver ship crashed into their Thanatos' headquarters and ripped them to shreds before spilling out onto the streets.

"Get the guns!" Dom had pelted in from the fields, yelling at Jayne. "Make sure the little 'uns are in the house!"

No need to tell him twice, Jayne rushed into the yard, slinging his sister over one arm and his brother over the other. Dom barred the doors while Jayne hustled them and Ma into the cellar. When the monsters broke into the house, they were met with guns blazing. Together they took out five of 'em, before it seemed quiet enough. Jayne left his best rifle with Dom, grabbed up a set of pistols before setting off at a dead run for Shiloh's homestead.

In Shiloh's yard, the little girls were strewn around their interrupted game of hopscotch, their faces little more than shredded meat. Stomach roiling, he pressed forward. He caught sight of her hair in the hall and for a minute, he dared to hope. Course he was swiftly punished for it.

They'd torn her dress off, revealing tawny nakedness he had only dreamed about. In the process, their fingers had dug under her skin and their teeth into the tender flesh of her arms and breasts. Her face was frozen in an endless scream and Jayne had to go back outside so he could empty his stomach.

He never did remember how he made it home, but he spent the night leaning against that cellar door, shooting at anything that made a sound. The cat didn't make it, but neither did the four other beasts that came towards him and his family. The fear that stole into him that night was sharper than any other he'd had before or since. In the distance, people screamed and all he could see between noises was Shiloh's face in death.

When morning dawned and his Ma peered round the door to see if he'd made it home, he near blew her head off.

They had to bury the bodies quickly. The heat of the summer was on them and there were too many for proper funerals. Jayne helped dig holes and thought about nothing. He slung the mutilated dead down into the earth and thought about nothing. He tended to the farm and thought about nothing.

"Son?" One night as he stared dead eyed at the wall, his Ma crept into his room. "I got somethin' for ya. I finished it so it wouldn't hang loose, I hope you don't mind."

She slid something soft into his lap. He stared at it uncomprehending until she laid a hand on his shoulder. "She would have wanted you to have it."

It was tradition on Thanatos for a bride to tear up the clothes of her childhood and use the cloth to make a patchwork quilt. The mass in his hand were all the colors Shiloh loved to wear bound in her neat stitching. One end was messy, his Ma's work where she'd hastily tucked everything in so it wouldn't come apart.

"Thanks." His voice came out strangled and foreign. It should have been finished by Shiloh's hand, slipped onto their bed for their wedding night. Maybe eventually been wrapped around their children's shoulders at bedtime.

"She loved you something fierce." His Ma said through tears. "I hope you find someone like her again."

Fingering the fine stitches, Jayne silently disagreed. Wasn't safe for a good woman's health to take a shine to him. He weren't gonna try to love another one ever again.


	4. Vera

"Gorram worthless piece of go se!" Swore a leather clad woman as she kicked a sorry looking lout in the head. "I done told you a thousand times!"

"I'm sorry, really." He warbled. "It won't happen again."

"You're right." She took out her gun and shot him in arm. "It won't. Boat's gonna leave while you're gettin' that looked at."

Jayne stared down at the whimpering man. He'd been at the port looking for work. At breakfast, all he could see was the unsatisfied wants. Jackie's dress nearly too thin to be decent, Mattie studying from third hand books and baby Darcy chewing on her spoon for want of more food. And the nights...too many bad memories to count. Figured it would do them all a favor if he went shipboard. Even if he didn't make enough to send home, it'd be one less mouth to feed. Not to mention less money gone to pay for his bail when fights got ugly. They'd gotten ugly a lot lately.

"You." The woman pointed at him. "You know how to use that rusted pistol you got strapped to your side?"

"Yeah." He touched the hilt of his best gun. "Why?"

"Cap'n likes to have a gun hand around on jobs and looks like I just got rid of ours." She was the first woman he'd ever met who could look him right in the eye without craning her neck. Her skin was painfully pale and her hair was shorter then his, black as space.

"What kind of jobs?"

"If you're picky about morality, you can move right along." She holstered her gun.

"What's the coin?"

"New kid like you? Two protein meals a day, a spot on the floor to sleep and a three percent of the cut per job."

"Seven percent."

"Need a gun hand, not a specialist." She sniffed. "Four."

"Six. I'm real good with my gun." He leered.

"Four." She grinned, all teeth and wickedness. "No kid's gonna get a share bigger'n mine."

"I'm Jayne." He held out his hand.

"Vera." Her handshake was strong enough that he was a bit worried for his bones. "Pilot of the good ship Pian. The Cap'n will want to meet you."

The captain turned out to be a midget of a man named Argus, who was a bit grabby with the female help. Vera seemed not to notice, brushing off his hands like flies.

"You smoke cigars, boy?" Argus asked him right off. "I don't trust a man that holds with cigarettes."

"Don't smoke anything." Jayne shrugged. "Too expensive to get tobacco around here."

"Never smoked?" Argus' looked offended. "That's just wrong. Vera! Get me my case."

Never rising from her easy sprawl in the pilot's seat, she reached behind her head and passed him a gold foil box.

"This." Argus told him, passing a cigar. "Is the first of many for you, boy. We live on the high horse around here."

The rest of the crew didn't bother to introduce themselves. Seemed like they were used to new faces at the table and didn't care to form a bond with someone Vera might take a disliking to at any moment.

At night, he wrote his Ma short, painstaking notes. He was honest with her because he always was and didn't know how not to be. The jobs weren't moral, they weren't things a good man do. He had a sinking feeling that Shiloh wouldn't've approved, but she wasn't around to say one way or the other, was she? The letters he got back from Ma were just news of things at home, sometimes with scrawled lectures from Dom about keeping his nose clean written along the bottom.

The money was good or at least, it was good for him. The rest of the crew didn't seem that impressed. One job would bank him more then he'd earn plowing a field for a month. He sent most of it on back home, saving only a little for new boots and booze. When the others tumbled out of the ship grateful for a night off, he stayed behind carefully cleaning his pistols.

"Why is it you don't go whorin' with the rest of the boys?" Vera slunk into the room and poured herself into the chair next to him.

"Don't want to catch nothin'. This far out, they don't barely monitor the girls." He said quickly. Truth was, he hadn't touched a woman since Shiloh and that only light kissing, Ellie had been his only one and the idea of getting intimate with someone and washing both of them away did funny things to his stomach.

"I'm clean." She flashed him a wide, predatory smile. "And I've seen you staring."

"You wear starin' clothes." He pointed out, swallowing hard.

"Do more then stare." She dared him.

"Why? You don't even like me."

"Says who?" When she spread his legs wide, he could smell the heat of her.

"Dunno, just sorta guessed it."

"Maybe I do. Maybe I don't." Her shoulders twisted as she stretched, her shirt riding up. "But you don't need to like a body to enjoy it. "

"So if I did this..." He leaned forward only to find his head pushed back.

"I don't kiss."

Lucky Jayne, that was pretty much all that was on her 'No' list. She rode him like a stallion she was aimin' to break and bent in ways he'd only fantasized about before. Her body wasn't softly pampered like a whore's or calloused like a laborer, but as hard and uncompromising as his own. Every muscle stood out, sharply defined and her nails curved into his skin. Sex with Vera was a workout, a challenge. She didn't allow him to be gentle, she could take his bulk and return it in kind.

Outside of her bunk, everything went on like it had. Argus showed Jayne how to smoke a cigar proper like and he got a taste for it. Vera showed him some things to do with a gun that should have been illegal, some that certainly were. He learned how to kill people, how not to kill them, but hurt them so bad they'd say pretty much anything. Things that seemed to come to Vera natural as breathing.

Jayne purely worshiped her. He'd not set out too, but she was a powerful, seasoned woman that could set him on fire with a look. Every time she drew him into her bunk, it got harder to breathe. She didn't simper at him or even seem to pay him much mind once bedding was over, but Jayne was growing used to that. As long as he was allowed to sink into her body and cause her to yowl like a wild cat, it was good enough for him. And maybe she did like him after a fashion. Occasionally she would stroke his face even after they were done or admire him under heavy eye lids when she thought he wasn't looking.

After six months on board, The Job came in. The one that made little skiffs like theirs stand up and take notice and beg like dogs. If they could land this take, they would all become nearly rich, even Jayne with his small sliver of the profits. The night before it went down, Vera leaned in real close after they'd finished setting the sheets on fire and told him abut her plan.

"Seems to me Argus and this lot ain't done much to deserve this pot." Her breath spilled hot over his neck. "It's you and me what does most of the work."

"I dunno about that." Jayne said like he wasn't paying any mind though he was listening hard.

"It's true. And with Argus' sticky fingers. Well. Who knows how much of the bounty we'll actually get." One of her strong hands kneaded the back of his neck. "Think what we could do with the money split just two ways."

"And how do you figure on doing that?" He sat up, sheet spilling around his waist.

"We kill them." She smiled, her white teeth flashing in the dark. "I've wanted to do Argus for a long time anyway."

"I dunno." Jayne rubbed his palms over his knees. "Seems a bit severe. Couldn't we just strand them planetside or something?"

"We'd never be free then." Vera pouted. "Argus would never stop looking for us."

"Just seems a mite harsh, is all."

"Please, my love. For me?" She kissed him on the shoulder. His skin went cold and he looked away.

"Yeah. For you." He agreed.

The job went down smooth as butter. Argus was so pleased he nearly burst out of his clothes. He bought the entire crew a round of sake and stuffed a cigar between all their lips, even Vera. Jayne just chewed on the end of his, too nervous even to smoke it. Vera kept shooting him bedroom looks like she might change her mind about the whole plan and just go straight to her bunk with him in tow.

That was wishful thinking though. Soon as they hit the deck, Vera gave him the signal. He turned off his mind and started shooting. He was pathetically grateful that she took care of Argus. The rest of the crew had never been friendly to him, but he'd kinda taken a liking to the ugly gnome.

It was the first time that Jayne had stuck around to see the results of his handiwork. They didn't look no different than the animals he'd killed for food. A few careful bullet holes, but otherwise peaceful. The walls were spattered with blood, nothing that couldn't be cleaned away at a later date.

"You were amazing." Vera's eyes shone, her clothes spattered in blood. She licked her lips and started towards him, yanking on shirt.

"What are you on about?" He grabbed one of her hands even as the other wandered south.

"You know what violence does to me." She whined, writhing against him. "I want you."

It was true that she did get frisky right after she wasted someone. It had always made his skin crawl a bit, but he knew this was no time to say so. He let her undress him right there. They went at it in a frenzy, breaking things that had survived the fight intact and knocking over the table. Laying in the center of the carnage when it was all over, he heard the click of a safety before the cool barrel was pressed to his forehead.

"Sorry, bao bei." She smiled nastily. "You know how business can go."

"I reckon I do." Ready, he kicked her hard in the head. By the time she recovered, he had both his pistols in hand. "Shouldn't have laid it on so thick. Even a dumb kid like me can piece together when he's bein' led on."

"Don't do this." She pleaded, suddenly soft again. "I wasn't gonna shoot. Just scare you some and take off."

"Uh huh." Jayne stepped hard on her gun hand just in case she got any ideas, ignoring her shriek. "Even splitting in half would have been enough money for whatever you coulda asked for. You could have broken off with me, left me the money. Not like I woulda gone after you."

"Half would have been good. All is better." She bared her teeth at him. "And you would have chased after me. You got that way about you with women. Bet you would have panted after me for years. I like that in a man."

"I think you just like death." Jayne said slowly. "And I don't hold with that."

He shot her once in the head, once in the heart. The pistols were still hot when he holstered them, took the money and walked off the ship. He didn't know how to pilot the gorram thing anyway. Didn't want anything to remind him of her. Until years later when he'd picked up a nasty looking Callahan off the body of a man what tried to kill him. That gun wanted blood more than any other he'd ever owned. The name came real natural like.

After cleaning her blood off his hands, he went to the nearest bank and sent his Ma nearly all the money with a note:

Dear Ma,

I'm doing all right. My last job had a bonus which is what the money is. Please use some of it for flowers. Lilies for Ellie, Sunflowers for Shiloh.  
I miss you.

Love,

Jayne

He'd wanted to put a lot more in there. Say a lot of other things, but he couldn't find the words. The money that would have lasted him several years would buy a lot of needfuls for the farm, so that would have to say it for him.

With the coin he'd kept, he bought himself passage to the other side of the Rim and went looking for work again. It was a pattern he'd become real familiar with: get a job, stay on it until real money came in, then abandon ship. He made far more enemies then friends. Gave up trust as something for suckers and settled his urges on honest whores. He tended to overpay the girls some which guaranteed him a warm welcome back. Sometimes that welcome had saved his hide. More then one time he'd laid real still under some perfumed bed while the law paced outside. Maybe the girls just knew where he'd come from or liked his giving style in bed because they always welcomed him in like he was more than just some John who tipped good. Every whore house reminded him a little of home and eased weight off his shoulders.

But he didn't form attachments, didn't kiss or visit one place too often. Just focused on the next job, the next kill and the next shore leave.


	5. River

Standing in a white washed hallway that reeked of antiseptic, River looked even more out of place than usual. She was covered in gore, her soft hair matted with blood. Doctors and nurses raced around her, tending to multitude of wounded. Jayne stepped cautiously towards her, jumping back when she turned on him, eyes wide.

"Easy there, crazy." Jayne held up his hands. "Got sent to tell you everyone's patched up and sedated mostly. Doc asked me to look after yah seein' as everyone else is occupied."

"Tired." And she did look it, swaying on her bitty feet.

"Can't sleep like that." His nose twitched at the smell comin' off her. Probably a bit of him too. "The Operative pointed out a bunk to kip in. How bout we find some water and soap for yah?"

"Yes, please." She held out her hand expectantly. Not seeing another option, he took it and led her down the hall.

"That was impressive, what you did." He said, because it had been and he figured no one else was gonna tell her that.

"It needed doing." Her free hand trailed over the white walls leaving smears of red. "Not smart, but right."

"Yeah. Exactly." Jayne felt a bit sick all of a sudden, thinking about the Shepherd. He never would learn not to get attached to people.

"Its my fault." She said, sounding like she was mostly there. "Like sheep following a wolf."

"Like wolves following more wolves." He steered her into the bunk room. It was filled with military cots in neat lines. Reminded him of prison. "Ain't no on on board didn't know what they was gettin' into."

"Haven..." Her eyes looked wet with tears. Jayne shifted uncomfortably.

"You didn't kill them people. Sometimes, people just wind up in the wrong spot." He rubbed the back his neck. "Get clean. Clothes are a loss, but there's hospital type things if you can stand 'em."

To his immense relief, she obeyed, leaving him alone with his thoughts for the first time since they'd found the Shepherd bleeding out. Seemed like he'd barely breathed since then. The immense Alliance ship hummed around him, just far off enough Serenity's tune to grate at his nerves. Everyone was raw, bleeding and grieving, not leaving room for his kind of mourning or clumsy comfort.

"The skin is clean." River announced, exiting from the tiny bathroom scrubbed pink, wearing white hospital scrubs. "The hair is a problem."

Inara would probably be better at this kind of thing, but she was bent over Mal's gurney talking about missed opportunities. Jayne was here. He didn't know much about hair, but he knew about getting blood out of things.

"Gimme a minute." He went back out to the infirmary and bullied a nurse into giving him a bowl and her personal fancy hair conditioner to augment the antiseptic shampoo and cheap plastic comb. Armed, he returned to the bunk to find River drowsing on one of the beds. "Only gonna get worse if you lie on it."

"Don't need it. Only weight. Shave it off." She yawned.

"You'd miss it and probably somebody would do some yellin' over it." He got her sitting up on the bed, then went to fill the bowl up with hot water. As an after thought, he washed his hands surprised by the filth that swirled down the drain. What with all the death and fear, how long had it been since he took a proper shower? Didn't bare thinking on.

Settling behind her, he worked the shampoo through her hair, trying to rinse out the worst of it. He had to refill the bowl three times and the stain forming around the rim would probably never come out. Eventually it was clean enough to work with. He smeared conditioner into her scalp.

"Too cold." She protested until he warmed the stuff between his hands first.

Working in sections, he concentrated on getting every last knot out. If he thought about that instead of everything else, he could stay calm. Flakes of dried blood and strands of hair rained down across her shoulders and onto the bed. Thick clumpy knots slowly gave way to his efforts, yielding to the comb and his fingers. At some points, she seemed nearly asleep, head nodding forward and then she would snap back awake eyes wild.

"Just Jayne." He'd remind her when that happened. "No need to be gettin' stabby."

"Wouldn't." She'd protest. "You're helping the tangles."

"Trying." He agreed.

And he eventually succeeded. The cot they'd been sitting on was soaked with reddish water and he'd used up the whole bottle of conditioner, but her hair hung unhindered and clean.

"Thank you." River yawned until her jaw cracked. "Jayne should shower now."

"Jayne should do a lot of things." He unwillingly echoed her yawn. "Get you into another bed for one."

He picked up her up and she was too tired to protest as he placed her in a fresh bed. Feeling a mite odd about it, he tucked her under the covers like he would of for his sisters or Ma. He watched until he was sure she was asleep before he followed her directive. The hot water felt mightly good and there was more than enough of it for him get rid of the grime. The provided scrubs matched River's, but the shirt was too tight. Fatigue caught up with him and he used the shirt to dry his hair some before climbing into a free bed and falling into a dead sleep.

He dreamed that he was running from Reavers. They'd got his scent and tracked him over broken buildings. He looked for a weapon, but all dead bodies strewn around him stared up accusingly and he didn't dare touch them. Rough hands were closing in around him, hot breath on his neck. Someone was screaming.

Someone was screaming. Jayne sat bolt upright, searching for his gun. It took him a long minute to recall where he was and what the screaming must be. River was thrashing in her sleep, tearing up the sheets with clenched fists.

"Hey now." Jayne stood uneasily at her bedside, all to aware that waking her up the wrong way might mean pain to his person. "C'mon now girlie."

She started to whimper, body still tense. Not wanting to shake her, he figured maybe just touching her forehead real soft like might be all right. He smoothed the hair back from her forehead. Her eyes didn't open, but her hands reached for his arm, holding on like a lifeline. It was sit down or be pulled down, so he sat.

"Look, I'm gonna need that arm back." He winced as her grip tightened.

"Not right now." Her eyes flickered open and she leaned against his back, still clinging to him. "It's strengthening to have something grounded. Something that dreams can't catch hold of."

"Did look like a fearsome nightmare."

"There's a killer in my head." She muttered. "Ready to gnash it's teeth."

"Join the club." He sighed. "Ain't like you can't control it. Just got to put it to good use like you did today."

"Good, not smart." She mimicked his sigh. "So tired, but sleep brings the killer back."

That sounded like a bad plan to Jayne, who having survived the last few weeks didn't want to meet his maker because the crazy girl wasn't getting her shut eye.

"How bout you sleep and I'll stand guard. Wake you up if things get nasty."

River tilted her head and did that thing where she looked right into you. Usually it made him shudder, but this time he tried his best to just think calm things. Warm bed, friendly voices and Serenity's engines humming along in the black. It seemed to work some, soothing her. He fluffed up a pillow and leaned against the wall. Her hold on his arms eased a bit and she settled up against him, him over the covers and her under. He really had meant to stand guard, but there was only so much wakefulness a body could manage.

"That don't look comfortable." Kaylee said with a laugh. "We should probably wake 'em."

"I should be disturbed..." Simon coughed.

"I didn't do nothin' a preacher wouldn't've approved." Jayne opened his eyes to regard them both. Simon looked tired, but no longer had the pall of death around him. Someone had bandaged up his torso pretty good and plopped him a wheelchair. Kaylee must have been pushing it though she didn't look like she had the strength for it. She was leaning over the back of the chair like she might topple over otherwise.

"Didn't think anything else." Kaylee smiled. "Everyone's comin' in to talk, Cap'n's orders."

Jayne shrugged. He'd fallen asleep sitting up, one arm curled around her back. The girl was entirely under the covers, except for one hand which was still wrapped firmly around his wrist and the top of her head which was using his stomach as a pillow. He started to move and shuddered.

"Gorram it. My neck's all froze up." He tried again to get up. Slow this time. Everything hurt, his body finally protesting the time spent pushing it too hard without rest. And hell, his arm wasn't budgin. "Let go, girl. I gotta piss."

"Nice." Simon sighed and reached over to shake River awake. "Let Jayne up, mei mei."

"Simon!" She sat up quickly, smiling. "You're ok!"

"Mostly. I won't be playing hoopball any time soon."

Jayne beat a hasty retreat to the restroom and stayed there a long while. The hot water of another shower relieved the tension in his muscles until he thought he could face another day of breathing. The voices out side gathered and grew louder. By the time he was dressed, the whole crew of Serenity, bandaged and battered were sitting around on the military style bunks.

"Jayne." Mal waved him to sit. "How long would it take you to remove the stuff you welded on to my ship?"

"Couple hours." He shrugged. "Maybe a day if somethin' were stubborn or bent in from the crash. Long as I had the right tools."

"The engine needs a lot of love." Kaylee sighed. "And I can't reach half of it yet. My arms are noodly."

"Someone has to fix the cockpit." Zoe was pacing and Jayne decided she was still in that dangerous period of mourning where suicide looked like a fine option. And someone like Zoe wasn't disinclined to take someone with them.

"Now our new good friend has volunteered a lot of Alliance services that may or may not be his to give." Mal folded his arms over his chest, making eye contact with all of them. "But I'd feel better if you were all helping over see and maybe doing some of the close work yourselves. Keep a lookout for anything that looks like a bug. I don't fancy taking off only to be taken in.

"Simon, you're on restocking duty." Mal said firmly like he wasn't give the Doc an easy job to compensate for his injuries. "Infirmary, kitchen and cleaning supplies. Inara, I hate to ask you, but you're the best at these things. Could you plan the funerals?" She nodded wordlessly, looking perfectly sad like she looked perfectly everything. "Kaylee you're on all things mechanical. Jayne, you're with Kaylee. When she can spare you, get those pieces of go se off my ship. Me and Zoe are gonna figure out what comes next."

"What about me?" River tilted her head. "I want to help."

Mal looked at her helplessly, then to Zoe, who shrugged.

"Reckon we'll need a pilot." He said quietly. "You got the aptitude for it."

"Yes." She had her legs stretched straight out in front of her, occasionally reaching for her toes, stretching. "But in the now? The healing time?"

"Me and Kaylee can use 'er." Jayne surprised himself by saying. "She's tiny and flexy. There'll be fine work to be done."

"I didn't even think on that." Kaylee beamed at him. "Bet between the three of us we won't need any of them other folk near at all, 'cept for parts."

And they didn't. It took weeks to fix up Serenity back to what she was, maybe even a little better with so many new parts. Somewhere in there, Inara did the funerals. The ceremony was all right, but mostly lost in the jumble of grease and parts. Kaylee talked a lot as they worked. About the people she missed, not just Wash and the Haven folk, but people from her past. Jayne just listened because he wasn't sure what to say.

"There was a boy." She said real quiet like one day when River was hanging above them, slowly rewiring somethin' intricate at Kaylee's instruction. "I was just a bitty girl really. Wasn't real handsome, but good folk. We used to fish together in this little creek ran by my house. Never did catch anything. I thought he was the best thing in pants."

She trailed off, watching River. Jayne fussed some over the pieces he was supposed to be cleaning until he caved and asked,

"What happened to 'em?"

"Farm accident. Piece of machinery backed up on him." She sighed. "Feel like every story I got these days ends sad."

"All stories end sad." He focused on getting a piston to slid proper. "Why you gotta enjoy the good parts when they're 'round."

"You mean Simon?"

He hadn't actually, wasn't even really thinking about Kaylee, but he shrugged and nodded anyway.

"Done." River jumped down, landing softly in front of them. She gave him one of her queer looks. "A story for a story. You can share your remembering."

"You got someone back home?" Kaylee looked at him with naked interest.

"Course not." Jayne stood up abruptly, setting down the bottle. "Can't sit around. There's work to be done."

They worked in silence for the rest of the day. That night when everyone else had gone back to the base to sleep, he went down into his mostly intact bunk. He'd lived shipboard over half his life now and knew how to keep everything pinned down. He pulled down Shiloh's quilt, running his hands over the different squares. He couldn't even remember her face properly anymore. Time had stripped away at his memories until they were bare of any useful details. Some day he'd be dead and no one would remember her or Ellie, hell even Vera... He scrubbed at his eyes.

"She made him sad."

"Who's that?" He was up again in a moment, reaching for the nearest gun when he saw River sitting on the stairs. He hadn't bothered closing the hatch behind him. "Gorram girl. Tryin' to give me a heart attack? Why ain't you back at the base?"

"Wanted to say sorry." She wrapped her arms around her knees. "For suggesting you share your private thoughts with Kaylee. They would have eased her sadness."

"Yeah, well." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Maybe next time leave my personal business out of it."

"She likes it when you dream of them." She said wistfully.

"That's just creepifying." He stood up. "C'mon. Best get you back to the others before your brother loses his mind."

"He's asleep, all wrapped up in Kaylee thoughts." She smiled briefly, then frowned. "Zoe's crying."

"Ain't surprised." He started up the stairs, forcing her to scramble backwards.

"Why alone?" River asked him, looking a bit lost like she might wander off. "Captain would be there if she let him."

"She ain't the type to cry on someone's shoulder." Jayne had liked that about her.

"It's not noble." River informed him. "Humans are social animals. They do not thrive standing apart."

"She's not..." Jayne frowned, piecing together how to explain it. "That kinda mournin' is private. Ain't nothin anyone could say or do that'll make it better. Maybe one day she'll tell stories about 'em and laugh. Not now."

"It keeps him alive." The girl was walking backwards now. "The pain keeps her thinking on him and letting it out might mean that he disappears. But that's not true."

"Guess sometimes things can be true to people that ain't true on the whole. Like how some of those things you see are all solid to you, but the rest of think you're cracked like an egg."

"They are real." She frowned at him. "Just not where you can see."

"Kinda my point." The base loomed over them and his fingers itched to start shootin' just on principle at an Alliance building. "Get on to bed now."

"You aren't coming?"

"Gonna patrol some." There wasn't any reason too, but he felt too revved up to sleep. And wouldn't you know there wasn't a good bar fight or whore within a thousand miles from here.

"Patrol." She looked doubtful. "Need something to do. Have a purpose. The mechanics of a mind bound to the physical. Alternatively, you could brush the girl's hair. Working on Serenity's insides have given it knots and Simon's fingers aren't as deft at parting tangles as they are at surgery."

"Oh, hell no!" Jayne protested.

Ten minutes later he was working a comb through her hair and blaming it on the doe eyes. Kaylee must be given her lessons or some such. River seemed to take his acceptance of the situation for granted and every night after that, she came to him with a brush in hand and her big eyes. He never would admit that he enjoyed it.

Eventually Serenity was fixed up and gleaming inside. If you ignored all the places where the metal was too clean or the parts too new, you could think nothing had ever happened. The black was waiting for them, swallowing up Serenity as comfortable as ever. They even had a job planned on some third rate moon. Everything was nearly too much like before, except for River sitting up where Wash should be. Even Jayne, who'd never felt much beyond irritation with the man felt his lack. 'Specially round the dinner table when things got quiet and sober real fast.

Before everyone could make a beeline for the door with their separate plates, Inara brought in a large box.

"It's tradition in many places to give away the objects of the dead." Everyone fell silent and stood still staring at her. "I've already spoken with Zoe and she would like to do so, but in her own time."

Way she said it, Jayne reckoned, Zoe had probably used a lot more curse words and maybe thrown something at her. The woman in question wasn't around, still keeping mostly to herself.

"We probably won't return to Mr. Universe's planet, so from him we have only memory." She opened the box, slow like. "But Shepherd was one of us and I thought...I hope no one minds me dispersing some of his things."

"Oh, Inara." Kaylee rushed up to give her a hug. "That musta been so hard, goin' there and gettin' some of his things just so's we could have somethin' to remember him by."

"I tried to find something that fit for everyone." Her hands trembled as she reached in. "This is for you Kaylee."

"It's that nice paintin' he always had." The frame glinted a little in the light. "Thank you."

"And for you Simon." She dipped her hands in again, passing him a leather briefcase. "It's empty."

"I can use it to carry medical supplies when we're off ship." He looked it over carefully. "But if someone else... I mean we weren't that close."

"We're the only family he has left alive." Inara turned from him to reach into her box again. "River, here honey."

River reached out as Inara draped her hands with a long white scarf. She wrapped it around her neck right away, forehead furrowed up.

"Mal." Inara pressed a thin wallet into his hands. "His Ident card is in there, along with a few other personal papers. I think he would have wanted you to know who he is now that his secrets can't hurt anyone."

"Maybe." Mal rubbed a finger over the soft black leather. "Maybe not. I'll think on it."

Jayne watched Inara carefully as she returned to the box.

"I thought about this one." She paused right in front him. "But of all of us, he seemed to get along the best with you most days."

She pressed the bible into Jayne's hand. It wasn't fancy or big. It was patched up from when River had torn pages out and there was a blood stain where it'd been held close in the last moments. If Jayne'd thought about it all, he would have said Mal should have it, but he wasn't gonna say so now.

"Thanks." He mumbled, staring at it like it might start up talking.

The distribution over, everyone sort of stared at each other a minute, before taking up their plates and scattering. Jayne headed toward the cargo bay and sat up next to weight bench while he ate. When he finished, he wiped his hands on his pants and took up the bible again. The print was too small for him, but he read a bit of it anyhow. Some of the words were unfamiliar, but the stories were the same.

"I shouldn't have torn it up." River materialized next to him. Jayne didn't even jump, he was getting used to her spooky ways. "But some of it was so wrong."

"Wrong how?"

"They reflect a past that isn't our present, God is implausible at best. An angry child."

Jayne ran his thumb down the spine of the beat up little book. Religion wasn't something he'd thought much about except for occasional conversations with the the Shepherd and long ago with Dom. He just assumed that if there was a God, that he was slated for an unpleasant afterlife, so it was best to enjoy this one.

Shepherd's God hadn't seemed angry though. More tired like people were bad children who wore him out. Jayne pictured him being something like Mal sitting at the head of the table, watching all the bickering, flirting and eating. Sometimes he looked like a proud Pa, others like he wanted to shoot every last one of them.

"Don't know about that." He said, staring at the blood stained cover. "Maybe he just does the best he can like most folk."

"Like you?" Her head tilted like she was mightly interested in the answer. Jayne shrugged.

"I survive."

"Survival is not enough." She decreed, sinking down next to him. "Simon thinks it is, but that is a lie. How can we only just survive when there is so much else to do?"

"Like what?" He stared out across the cargo bay. "Didn't we already do enough? You don't have another dead planet in your head, do you?"

"Thinking too literally." She scolded. "Survival is basic, animal. Being human is much more. We play, think, laugh and create which keeps humans separate."

"Your brother thinks I'm an animal. Untrained ape, if I remember rightly."

"Simon is a moron." She smiled fondly. "You're much tidier than an ape."

"Thanks." He felt too tired to get angry with her for what was her attempt at a compliment. It felt like something was weighing him down, preventing him from simply getting up and leaving.

"Also, apes don't mourn." She patted his hand.

"Don't you have somewhere to go be crazy?" He growled.

"No." Her dark hair fell over her face. "This is the choice location for mourning. The others are dwelling on the pilot, but the Shepherd was kind and deserves memory too."

"Guess he was." There were no other words in him, not for that.

"Read a story?" She coaxed, looking down at the small book.

"You don't want me readin' to yah." He snorted. "Be here all night. 'Sides you don't like these stories none, remember?"

"Not for themselves, but to who they are meaningful." Long legs refolded themselves and suddenly she was sitting nearly on top of him, their sides pressed together. "The speed is not important."

"You asked for it." No particular story came to mind, so he just started right at the beginning. "In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth..."

He read haltingly, River pressed to him silent and wide eyed. She didn't interrupt or correct his pronunciation. Could be that she wasn't even fully listening. It felt good though, to just sit quiet with someone, thinking on someone they'd both liked and lost. He read until the words were blurry and his ass was numb. At some point, River put her head on his arm.

"Bout time little crazy girl's head to bed, ain't it?" He closed the book firmly.

"Only if it is also time for large disgruntled mercenaries to sleep."

"Reckon it is." He stood abruptly, so that she nearly tumbled over. "C'mon, I'll hand you off to your gorram brother. Bet he's wonderin' where you got to?"

"Simon is busy." River's eyes got that loose look to them. "He and Kaylee are making the beast with two backs that undulates and moans."

"Hey now!" He made a face. "Don't need to be hearin' about that. Kaylee, sure, but not the doc."

"He thinks the same thing of you." She smiled, holding up her hands and he pulled her up, not thinking on it much.

"Bed." Jayne pointed. "And don't think I'm above tossing you into your bunk if you don't get."

River ran ahead of him laughing and eventually he heard her door slam shut which was good enough for him.

~*~

The first time Jayne really noticed that River was getting to be a woman, it was a year after Miranda. He was laid up, recovering from a knife wound to his gut, so Mal had taken Zoe and River with him to do the drop off. Jayne got out Vera and waited by the cargo bay just in case someone followed them home. There was a peel off thunder that shook the ship. Rain fell hard on Serenity's metal shell, deafening him. The door opened crankily about five minutes in.

"Sort this out." Mal stomped in first, hair plastered to his forehead. He'd thrown a bag at Jayne's feet. It was filled with jewelry. "Pick out everything worth keeping. I'll be in my bunk." As he stomped off, his boots made a squelching noise.

"Don't mind him." Zoe's voice rumbled as she and River came in, the door rolling up behind them. "He's just grumpy because you saw it before him."

"Captain forgets that the girl has extra eyes." River rolled the ones in her head.

"Something like that." Zoe squeezed her shoulder and then followed Mal's route.

"We got you shinies." River turned to Jayne, smiling. "I like the ruby."

Jayne reached in and found a nice one, round and big enough for a rich lady's ring. He looked up to toss it to her and found his mouth had gone dry. The rain had soaked her flimsy dress, plastering it to her skin. Where she usually looked as straight up and down as a boy, now she had curves. Where'd those come from anyway? Her hips were gently rounded, thighs muscled and her ass...

"Hello?" She waved a hand in front of his eyes. "Ruby?" She stuck out her hand and he handed it over. There were tits under those billowy dresses. Why'd he never see them before?

"Cannot trail moisture into the bunk. Already there is a proclivity for mold." She straightened, sighing.

"What?" Jayne blinked. As he watched, she bent over lifting the hem of her skirt. Water poured off of it as she lifted it up and off her body. The discarded fabric fell with a light thud at his feet. All he had attention for was her skin gleaming white under the florescent. Her underthings were simple. Practical white undies and pink cotton bra. He could tell it was too small for her, her breasts practically popping out.

"River..." He breathed out. Then paused and took in a deep breath. "Girl you know you're not supposed to run around half-naked."

"Not running." She laughed. "Walking."

And she did walk off, leaving wet footprints. It took him a long minute to get up and follow, swearing when the wound in his gut pulled hard. He tracked her down the halls and into the mess. Only she weren't there. Everyone else was though, looking pleased with themselves.

"Happy Birthday, Jayne!" Kaylee smiled at him. She had something on plate that could've been a cake if you squinted.

"How'd you know..." He frowned. No one had celebrated his birthday since time out of remembrance. Except for a solitary letter from his Ma.

"In the cortex." River appeared at his elbow. She was dressed again, but her hair was still wet and bedraggled looking.

"We done celebrated everyone else's out here." Kaylee blushed, setting the cake down. "Just occurred to me we ain't never done yours."

"Oh." He thrust his hands in his pockets, looking around the table. Everyone was looking at him, expecting...what? "That's real nice of you. Thanks, Kaylee."

"How old are you, anyway?" Simon asked, idly playing with fork.

"Don't rightly remember." Jayne shrugged, setting down to his usual place at the table. Kaylee hadn't lit the cake up, probably because they were out candles, real or synthesized. Couldn't afford a penny of extra expense these days. Though maybe with the shinies in the hold they'd be in a better position.

"Thirty-eight." River piped up again, sitting cross legged in the chair next to his.

Really? Jayne thought about and the number seemed right. Nearly forty when he'd never excepted to see thirty.

"What else you know about him?" Mal asked, putting his elbows in the table, eyes bright.

"Look it up yourself." River said calmly, receiving her piece of not-quite-cake.

"Reckon I did when we brought him on board, but I didn't find so much as a date like you did. 'Parently I didn't look hard enough."

"It wasn't hard." River shrugged. "The records were there for the taking. Alliance tracks births, marriages and deaths. Warrants."

Jayne snorted. Plenty of those that Mal had probably located in a more general search.

"Anything I should know?" Mal pressed.

"What difference would it make?" River's eyes flashed like they did when she was getting heated. Defending his privacy. "Would it make him a different entity? One less worthy of trust?"

"No. Suppose it wouldn't."

"Do you like the cake?" Kaylee asked brightly and the topic veered to other pastures.

Still, later that night, Jayne couldn't help but think on home and what River might have found crawling through his records. Nothing that talked about who he was, just facts. Clean, simple. Dates of birth, never married, still alive. Warrants for arrest on three planets and one shiny new one thanks to Miranda. Maybe a few notes about bar pubs and shots taken. Medical records that listed a few bad scrapes, maybe a childhood illness. And if asked a year ago, he would have read it over and nodded. Said nothing was really missing. That a page full of facts summed him up well.

A year changed things. Showed a person how decisions were complicated. That there was great good to match any great evil. That complete strangers could love each other if they had too. He'd spent this year reading through the battered bible, talking to River and thinking. Three things he'd never been much for before. He still didn't understand half the things in the little book nor did he think he was getting religious. River only confused things more, talking in circles the way she still did. Between the two, it probably explained why he spent so much time thinking. So he did what he always did when he had something pressing on his mind.

He wrote to his Ma.

Dear Ma,

I got your birthday letter. Thanks again for the scarf. It matches the hat real good. Hope the harvest was a good one. We're having lean times here. Jobs come up, but with alliance on our tails, we spend more time running than working. Still, I got a few coins to send along and more than that when we sell some of the gems we got.

Had a birthday party this year. Nothing fancy, just a bit of protein looking like cake, but it made me feel weird. Guess I really am one of the crew now, even if most of them wouldn't've pissed on me if I was on fire just a few months ago (not sorry for cussing cause it's true). Though I reckon I wouldn'tve done it for them either, except Kaylee. Things are different now.

I know you want me to write and tell you I met a nice girl. And you know how I keep saying that I haven't met the right one yet? That's been a sort of lie and I don't like lying to you. There is a girl, Ma. Crazy slip of a thing that I told you about. But you know, even if her brother didn't cut off my bits for lookin' at her funny, even if she liked me back, I don't think I could do it.

I was thinking about you, back in your whorin' days and all the men that must have made you stupid offers and did awful things that you tried to hide from me... but you just got right back up and married someone you love. How? How could you feel good about a person again? Trust them not to die or be awful or stab you in the back?

Also, I'm sending along the sweater you made me a few years back. Could you fix the hole in the stomach? Thanks.

love your son,  
Jayne

He felt better for having wrote it. Packaging up his sweater and a few credits, he snuck down to the cargo bay to set it with the other post. He could see a few other letters in there. Mostly Kaylee's letters back home to her folks, but there were also a few from Mal and one from Zoe. She'd started writing Wash's folks as well as her own. River and Simon had no mail, of course. Even if they were still on speaking terms with their folks, the Tams would have been rich enough to wave right out from the privacy of their own homes.

They probably wouldn't stop somewhere that could send mail for another few weeks. Then it'd take a few more to actually get to Thanatos. Than his Ma would have to find time to write, darn the sweater and send it back. And than it'd have to catch up with Serenity. It was possible he wouldn't hear from her for another six or seven months. Still it was good just to see it lying there, ready to go out into the Verse.

"Jayne's up late." River appeared behind him. Jayne had near gotten used to her ability to startle him. The key was expecting her to always be there. "Should be resting, to heal."

He'd forgotten all about the gorram injury, but now with the reminder, the pain flared to life.

"Yeah well, had to do something first." He started to hobble towards his room.

"You'll fall over!" She clicked her tongue in exasperation, before ducking under one arm. "Lean on me."

"I'll squash yah." He laughed, but leaned anyway. She was terribly strong, he'd grown to learn. Her arms and legs were willowy, but densely muscled.

"Physically impossible." She sniffed as they made their slow way down the corridors. The body he'd glimpsed before, now pressed warmly to his side. He could catch a hint of her scent, mostly the same cheap shampoo they all used, but also the undercurrent of slightly sweaty female and something tart that was uniquely hers.

At his room, she paused, slipping out from under his arm. She regarded him with the interest she usually saved for the cortex or her own visions.

"Got any more advice before I turn in?" He growled, propping himself against the display.

"No." She leaned up on her tiptoes and looked him right in the eye. Then she kissed him on the cheek, light as a feather. "It is traditional to kiss someone after walking them home."

And then she was gone again.

Jayne decided that the best course of action was to climb into bed and forget that it'd even happened. River seemed to be of the same mind because she didn't mention it either. Instead she watched over him with curious intensity as he pushed his body to recovery. She would spot him as he lifted weights and hang from a parallel bar when did pull ups. When the leg could hold serious weight again, he worked it carefully to bring it back up to snuff. River always told him when to stop when he started to feel strain. Of course, occasionally she was need to actually pilot the ship, but Mal seemed to be taking a liking to the job of late, leaving her with more free time.

All that togetherness would normally drive Jayne crazy, but River wasn't the kind to make a man feel crowded in. She was silent for the most part for one thing. If he felt like talking, she'd listen and not make much comment. And mostly...

Well everyone Serenity was so gorram special, weren't they? Mal with his whole bad man on the outside, sticky gooey good on the inside and a fair amount of smarts. Same with Zoe. The Doc and Kaylee were geniuses in their own fields. And River was a certified genius, ballerina, mind reader assassin. And Jayne was just the muscle. He lifted things, followed trails and shot people. Sure he was good at what he did, but so were hundreds of other mercenaries.

But when River was watching him, her genius broken mind whirring at hundred clicks an hour, Jayne didn't feel that way. When she approached him with a brush or sat with him when his body was worn out or asked him to read her stories from the Shepard's bible or helped him tune up Ellie's battered guitar, he felt like a man worth something.

Of course someone was bound to notice it and ruin it for him, even when he was behaving himself like a gorram angel.

"River!" Simon's voice echoed through the cargo hold. "River, you have to come eat dinner!"

"She is eating!" River called out from the rafters. "Jayne gave me bread."

"Bread?" Simon strained to see her, finally standing directly beneath her, bread crumbs raining down on his head.

"Yeah, picked it up yesterday by mistake. Want some?" Jayne offered him a roll from the box he was digging through. "It'll go stale if we don't eat it soon."

"Thank you." Simon took the roll, sniffed it warily.

"It's fine." River informed him, spraying still more crumbs down on him. "Don't be such a worrywort."

"We both had bits, so did Mal and no one's dead." Jayne reassured him.

Simon took a tentative bite than another, a soft sigh of contentment escaping his lips.

"It's good, but it's still not dinner." He looked up at River.

"Also ate soup and protein bar." She informed him tartly. Jayne was beginning to think the crumbs were being aimed at Simon which amused him mightly.

"You made soup?"

"Jayne made it." She grinned. "I was hungry early and he said you should eat when you're hungry because your body knows better than a gorram clock."

Years of self-preservation prevented Jayne from looking up, but he could feel Simon's eyes boring down on him.

"You've been spending a lot of time with Jayne lately." Simon said slowly.

"Yes." She agreed.

"Is that my fault? Should I be paying more attention to you? Maybe Kaylee and I..."

"Need friends." River said sharply. "It gets lonely with everyone all busy with each other. Jayne always has time for me."

He'd never really looked at it that way. Given his skill set, he had a lot of free time when they were in the black.

"I can make time for you." Simon was clearly feeling guilty though Jayne didn't know what for. He'd already given everything he had to River and the girl was appreciative. No one expected him to throw over Kaylee to spend more quality time with his sister.

"You do." River said gently, finally jumping down to give him a brief hug. "But brothers need to have time off too."

"Couldn't you spend time with Inara or Zoe...or Mal?"

"No. I like Jayne." She smiled and kissed her brother lightly on the cheek. "Run along now."

"But..."

"Get." River patted him on the shoulder. "Kaylee's making dinner and she'll be upset if you're late."

Clearly addled, Simon walked slowly away, mouthing over and over to himself 'She likes Jayne?'

"Want another roll?" Jayne offered, bemused.

"No thank you." She leaned against the rail next to him, then asked tentatively, "You're my friend, right?"

"Yeah." Jayne decided. "Yeah, I am."

It seemed highly unlikely, but there it was. Simon did start trying to spend more time with River. Even set her up on play dates with Inara. He tried with Zoe, but she wasn't inclined to play along. Mal put her behind the wheel more often, sending Jayne warning looks. It got so he felt guilty even though he hadn't done anything. Still, River stuck to her guns and showed up next to him whenever she had a moment. When she wasn't around for a while, Jayne got to missing her. Hell, he even liked hearing he voice over the comm.

Fact was, he barely listened to what she was saying, so it took a minute to process:

"There's a wave for Jayne from Thanatos."

When it sunk in, he was at a dead run. In the twenty years he'd been away from home, he had never gotten a wave. They were expensive on Thanatos and there were only a few machines available. Worst case scenarios flashed through his head. His Ma hadn't even waved him when his first nephew was born. Someone had to be dead.

It comforted him some when he arrived in the cockpit to see his Ma's face. At least she was all right. Behind her, he could see the dingy curtain of the wave booth. Probably in the general store.

"Jayne!" She smiled, her face nearly unchanged over the years. She'd accumulated some wrinkles to be sure, but Jayne figured she was still one of the most beautiful women he'd ever met. Her hair was even still black and shiny. "Oh, you look so handsome."

"Hi, Ma." He grinned back, nearly forgetting his initial panic. "You look mighty good, yourself."

"Still sweet talking, I see." She leaned closer to the screen. "When are you going to come home for a visit?"

"I dunno, Ma." He shifted uncomfortably.

"I'm not trying to guilt you." She said softly. "But when I read your letter...I was so worried about you. My Jayne has always been so sure of what he wants. So stubborn. I wanted to see your face."

"Ma! You waved because you wanted to see my ugly mug? I figured someone was dying or something. It's too much."

"Jayne, honey, you ain't been home in a long time. What do you think we did with all that money you sent home? Plant it in the ground?" She shook her head. "We're not poor anymore. Maybe not rich, but we got enough for me to call my oldest son if I've a mind too."

"Oh." He hadn't ever added up the coin he sent home, but thinking on it now, it was a fair large amount.

"Oh is right. Now I want you to tell me about this girl."

"Ma!" Jayne protested, but when he looked around the cockpit, River was gone. He let out a sigh of relief. "She was the one that answered the wave."

"Pretty, then." Ma nodded approvingly. "She is young."

"Don't I know it. I'm old enough to be her Pa."

"That ain't nothin' with nothin'. Dom was your age when I married him and I was only twenty-four." Ma sniffed. "I waved you because you asked me a question."

"I did?"

"In that sad little letter of yours. You wanted to know how I could trust and love someone after everything that happened to me, right?"

"Yeah, reckon I did."

"Well listen good then. I did it because there is no other way to live. I know you think you're some great big lone wolf, but I've read your letters close and that little crew you got is something like a family. Maybe you ain't always liken them or them liken you, but that's family's for you. You find a place where people accept what you bring, tell you when you're being an idiot and watch your back. A husband was all that and someone to warm my bed."

"Ma!"

"What? It's true. You need someone to stand next to you in life or you'll topple over." She wagged a finger at him. "And don't you be afraid of nothing. I figure you've had some bad luck, hard times. Maybe you've done bad because of it, but you've done more on the good lately. Enough good it liked to kill you. God in heaven owes you some good. So why wouldn't you take it when it's offered?"

"I dunno." Jayne stared at her. "What if she don't want me back?"

"Then she's a fool and you don't need her."

Jayne laughed. Dom came into the booth then and they chatted about other things. Turned out the farm was doing real well with the extra help and better irrigation system they'd been able to install. Mattie was finished with university and was looking to start a high school for farm kids. Darcy was knocked up and refusing to marry the fellow because he was 'a knock knee moron'. Jackie and her family had moved to town to try their hand at running a sewing store. By the time they had to say goodbye, Jayne found that for the first time in years, he was homesick.

"I love you, Ma." He choked out. "I'll try to get home soon."

"I love you too, my baby boy." She smiled tenderly at him, wiping away tears. "Mind what I said."

The screen flickered and went dark, but Jayne stayed where he was for a long time, just looking out over the stars.

He thought about Ellie and how he'd won her by accident. One day they were just screwing and the next she'd wanted him for something more. They'd been so young though. What could she have seen in his fourteen year old self? He'd been cocky, crude and paying her for sex. Looking back, he could see where maybe she'd just wanted what he could give her. A good name, a place to live and selling herself only to the one client, one she liked. It felt cruel to even think that way, but it was possible.

With Vera, he'd again had nothing near to do with it. The woman had picked him, sexed him and used him. When she was done, she would have just thrown him away. He could have been any beefy kid with a temper and that would have been fine with her.

So the only experience that counted for anything near romantic was courting Shiloh. He could remember taking long walks with her or sitting on the porch swing out side her daddy's house. But that'd been the way things were done.

The long and the short of it was that Jayne didn't have a one gorram idea how someone went about getting a girl for more than a quickie. There was only one person he could talk too.

"Why ask me?" Kaylee asked wide-eyed, setting down her micro-valve adjusted. "Inara's way better at this stuff."

"Yeah, cause it's workin' out so good between her and Mal." He rolled his eyes. The Captain was still playing it cool with her and Inara wasn't exactly committing either. Life had been hard on her in particular since Miranda. The bounty on her head limited her ability to take on clients and the House couldn't take her back. She spent a lot of time sewing. "I know bout sex. It's the other stuff."

"Guess you're right." Kaylee sat back on her heels. "Just seems to me I didn't do anything right with Simon. Can't rightly give you advice when the only thing that worked was thinkin' we were gonna die."

"That's cause Simon's a moron." Jayne opined.

"Yeah." She sighed happily. "What's got you thinkin' on this anyways?"

Jayne looked around wearily. Wouldn't do to have the doc or the cap'n walk in.

"It's River." He admitted. "Girl's gotten under my skin, but good."

"Jayne!" Kaylee squealed. "She's just a girl."

"No she ain't." He scowled. "River ain't been a girl since she got took by them blue hands. "

"Still though..."

"When you was nearly twenty were you still innocent and pure?"

Kaylee laughed. "No. Guess I weren't. But bet you Simon an' the cap'n won't see it that way. It'll be all 'toss him out the airlock'."

Jayne thought about what his Ma said and shrugged.

"I reckon they might. But I ain't gonna do nothin' she don't want. It ain't fair on her anyway." He said slowly as it was something he'd been thinking on. "If it ain't me, it'll be some one some day. They gonna breathe down 'er neck until she's got gray hair? Keep 'er on board so she can't meet no one?"

"Mal was kinda like that with me and Simon." Kaylee said thoughtfully. "Still is sometimes. But River's different. She's so...dunno fragile like."

"Except for the part where she kills like a machine." He pointed out. "Anyone thinks someone could force her to do somethin' they didn't want is a moron."

"Yeah." Kaylee grinned. "And it is kinda romantic. Beauty and the beast like."

"I ain't a beast." He protested, but not hard cause he could see she was coming over to his way of thinking.

"Maybe you got to start by making Simon and them see that." She brushed her bangs away from her face. "Treat her nice and start real slow. Get her some flowers or something."

"Where am I gonna get flowers?"

"Well, like how you bought us apples when you done messed up. " She said. "I mean you didn't tell us what they were for or nothin', but I could tell and thought it was a nice way of doin' it. Get her things she likes. Little things. Do things nice for her. And you know, be friendly like you've been doin'. That's all most people want. To be treated good."

"The doc is doin' that for you right?" Jayne asked, eyes narrowing at the wistful tone in her voice.

"Oh, he's still learnin'." She smiled. "But he does all right. Even got down with me into the engine and got all greasy while I showed him what goes where."

"Well that's all right then." He stood up, mind slowly churning. "Thanks. And uh...you know, don't say nothin to no one."

She mimed zipping her lips and winked at him. "Thanks."

He thought on what she'd said real hard. Bout kindness and also the things his Ma had said about needing people. When he started to get a headache, he quit thinking and stole up to cockpit. River was manipulating the controls with her feet, head tilted back already staring at him when he walked in. He liked her feet. They were capable.

"Bored." She informed him.

"Don'cha gotta make sure we don't crash into nothin'?"

"Nothing to crash into. Empty space from here to there."

He flopped into the pilot's seat, staring at her. Being River she just stared back before saying. "Your head is busy."

"Yeah well, people keep spinnin' it round."

"You shouldn't let them. You can figure it out on your own."

"You think?"

"I know."

Jayne wiped his palms on his pants.

"River."

"Yes?" She was leaning farther back in her chair, so that her ends of her hair brushed the floor.

"You know how you said we were friends?"

"Yes, Jayne." She said patiently, her face turning red from the rush of blood.

"It just...I was surprised I guess. I thought you hated me."

"I hated what you were. I like who you've become."

"Oh. Do you think...maybe you could one day more than like it?" He sank into the co-pilot's chair. "Cause it seems to me like it's got so I don't know how to get through the day without seein' yah. And...you're bout the best friend I've ever had which I can't explain."

"Your mine too." She said softly. "No one else on the ship treats me like you do. Like I'm a person who can determine their own path."

Jayne flushed. "Look, I guess what I'm gettin' at is....I'm older than you by a fair bit and in this line a work, might not get much older. I ain't romantic. And you're bout five hundred times smarter than me. Reckon if you lived planetside, you could get any guy you wanted. But you don't and I guess what I'm sayin' is I'm here if you're willin'."

He stared down at his own hands, eyes tracing callouses afraid to meet her spooky smart eyes. He didn't want to see pity. There was some shuffling noises, than she was standing in front of him, pushing his knees apart, tilting his head up in her tiny hands until he had to look up at her. She was smiling.

"I am more than wiling." She kissed him once, gently, ghostlike, on the lips. "I find you handsome and clever and romantic enough."

"I..uh. Thanks." He reached out tentatively, to put one hand on her waist. "I didn't buy yah flowers."

"Unnecessary. In the future, you can purchase me gifts for appropriate occasions." She slid into his touch, settling on his lap. "For now, I would like you to kiss me."

And because Jayne was clever enough, he did. She tasted like what she'd had for dinner, but that was all right. Eventually things started to heat up and Jayne pulled away.

"Reckon we ought to stop before I can't no more."

"But I wasn't done yet." She protested.

"Girl, I'm only about a minute away from taken whatever innocence you have left and I reckon that's a decision you should think on."

She stared at him for a long moment, snorted and rolled her eyes. "Innocence is for losers." It wasn't that funny, but for some reason, Jayne laughed and didn't stop. Eventually, River just joined in and her laugh made him laugh even harder.

Eventually, they slipped to the floor, tears running down their faces. Whenever Jayne thought he was nearly done, he'd look at River and she'd make a ridiculous face at him and off they'd go again.

"Quit it...can't breathe!" He protested after a long while and River finally laid off and settled her head on his chest as he regained himself. "Damn girl, nearly killed me with that."

"My Jayne is heartier than that."

Jayne grinned, liked the sound of the 'my' part. "Yeah, big strong Jayne, survivor of laughter, that's me."

"Jayne?"

"What?"

"The floor is cold and somewhat sticky. Could we go to your bunk?"

"I ain't hearty enough to survive bein' blown out the airlock, girl. Which is exactly what your brother and Mal would do if they saw me taken you down there."

She closed her eyes, listening. "They won't see. Please, I've already waited for you for so long."

"You've been waitin' on me?" He sat up, displacing her.

"You have been very stubborn." She confirmed. "And I did not know how to approach you."

"So you did get naked in front of me on purpose!"

"Of course." She stood up. "And I want to again."

Jayne clamored to get up, ignoring the stiffness in his knees. "Hell, you don't have to ask me twice."

"I just did." She said exasperated.

"All right, all right. We got all night. If I'm gonna die for the privilege, we're gonna take our time."

And he did. Jayne took those precious hours to learn every inch of River's body. It wasn't perfect; River had uncannily strong thigh muscles that near snapped his neck when he was in a delicate position and an accidental slip of her teeth forced a twenty minute pause in the proceedings. Aside from those minor setbacks, Jayne still considered it one of his favorite nights to date. He decided he didn't care what the consequences were, because somehow they would overcome them and he was gonna get to do this every night until River realized she'd gotten the raw end of the deal.

"Thank you." She said sleepily when they were both spent. Her head was tucked up over his shoulder again, one arm thrown loosely over his stomach. The room stank, her hair was in tangles and her elbows were sharp. Jayne reached up and grabbed Shiloh's quilt, dragging it over them.

"River?"

"Mhm?" She mumbled sleepily.

"Don't take this weird, but....I love you."

"I know." He could feel her smile against his chest. "I find it peculiar, but acceptable. Also it is mutual."

He thought about that for a minute, than grinned. "Oh. Well that's real fine then."

"Yes, it is. Now please cease talking so I can sleep."

Chuckling, Jayne obeyed.

 

Dear Ma,

Just to prove I ain't a complete stubborn fool, I done took your advice. You were right. River was willing. The Cap'n did try to space me, but River kicked him so hard, she broke his nose and that made him re-think things. The doc's been quiet about the whole thing. Kaylee said he's hopin' this is just a phase and if he doesn't say nothing River will just get bored and quit. Seems like he forgets she's goin' on twenty not two. Kaylee is smiling all the time that it looks to hurt her. She likes a sappy ending, I think.

The weirdest thing though, you remember Zoe and how her husband done died? She's been real quiet since then, mostly only talking to Mal. Two days ago, she cornered me in the mess and asked me real intense like if I was serious. When I said yes, she got this look on her face like she might cry and nodded real quick like. Than she looked me dead in the eye and said 'Than you hold onto her and treat her like she's made of gold'. I nodded cause I was afraid she'd knife me or something and then she just walked away. Weird, like I said.

Anyway, that's all that's new. Tell Dom that I got a line out on some of those hybrid seeds he was asking about. Oh, River says she wants to write something at the end, so that's the curly handwriting at the bottom.

Love,  
Jayne

Dear Mrs. Cobb,

My name is River Tam. You have probably heard of me and must know that my life has not been an easy one. The last several years of my life have been spent aboard Serenity running from powerful forces. For a long time, your son was resentful of this and in retrospect, I cannot blame him. Serenity was his home and I made it a dangerous one. To his great credit, he surmounted his feelings when it mattered and preformed very admirable acts. I have come to respect and even love him. He frequently reminds me (as do others on the ship) of his age, experience and past that might make our lives together difficult. He may have relayed these to you. I want you to know the truth: it is far more dangerous for him than it is for me and he knows this. Jayne has taken a risk entangling his life in mine and for that I am truly sorry. But not sorry enough to leave him. I hope you will forgive me for that selfishness.

I do not know how long we will have together, but I promise I will do my best to make him happy. I hope one day to discuss this with you face to face. I hope that you will accept me into your family. I have a lot of hope these days, mostly thanks to Jayne. Most of all, I hope that we remain worthy of each other.

Regards,  
River Tam


End file.
